Intimidated

I’m sitting here and finding myself intimidated by writing my vows. Crazy to think that a hundred words – the word-limit that Allie and I have set will ‘define’ the love we have for each other. How can one tell a story so beautiful in just 100 words? How can I promise and pray enough good will of heart over our marriage?

She’s scared that I’ll “outdo” her, since I’m “a writer.” I doubt it. All it takes is a few kind words and that smile of hers to make me melt like ice-cream on a hot summer day. Consider me soft-serve already as I consider how anxious I’ll be that day just to finally say, “I do” and party with some of my closest friends and family.

The day is fast approaching. But Allie and I have not lost sight of the fact that this is simply a day. An evening of epic proportions, of course. One that we will remember for a lifetime. But also one that will pass by in the blink of an eye. Our marriage will not be defined by 100 words, or one evening of dancing, drinking, and laughing with friends.

It’ll be defined by the way we love each other day in and day out. How I’ll clean the bathrooms and how she’ll surprise me with coffee at work. How we’ll be fighting and know when to call a time-out and just kiss and promise one another that we love the other and are going to press through.

“I’ll always be there for you,” would sum up the state of my heart and my continuous promise to the woman that’s captured my heart.

I’m sure this state of “lovey-dovey” winsomeness will not always be about and we’ve faced our share of rough-and-tough “disagreements” (that’s what people call ‘fights’ to make themselves feel better about it). But I’m also positive that love does not have to be as dark as some have promised us it will be.

We’ve noticed a selfishness within both of our hearts and a need for humility. I hate being wrong, but I’m learning to hate being right just as much – there is no prize for the winner of an argument. There is only one wrestling with their own pride and one left feeling as if their heart was not valued.

I’ve found myself perplexed at the power of prayer. A few deep breaths, a hug, and then taking a few moments to pray over one another has a way of bringing us back – as if we were on a sports team in a huddle, receiving a pep talk from the Coach. Only our Coach is God.

And so I’m intimidated. Intimidated of how much bigger our love is than myself. Already catching visions and dreams of what God could potentially use our relationship for, the healing power it could bring, the Spirit that dwells within, the wounds to be healed, the walls to be torn down, the cities to travel to, and the stories to tell. Our story is so much bigger than myself. And I’m a pretty big guy. But I feel small.

If David can conquer Goliath, in Christ. Then WE can conquer life, in Christ.

So marriage and love will never be summed up in a matter of words. Their currency will always be measured in actions – the only true measure of a heart.

I’ve never encountered a more kind and beautiful heart than hers. It brings warm, joyous tears, as I consider how much Light she brings into the darkness. Pair that with a heart as wild and fierce as mine and you have an unstoppable force, unwilling to be broken, persevering to the very end with one goal in mind: Share the love of Christ.

Intimidated no more am I by a mere string of words etched out on notebook paper. Intimidated more so by all the work that is to be done and that I am not enough. But praise be to God that he sent me a Helper! And that His Spirit’s desire is to set us both free.

It’s come to my attention that some have found a sort of compelling nature about our relationship – a sense of hope, perhaps. We’re just a couple learning more about love each day. What you’ve found compelling about us is that every day we’re learning to surrender more and more of our hearts, and more and more aspects of our relationship to Christ.

The old Sunday school answer rings true here. “Jesus” is our answer. He can be yours, too.

intimidated

Redeemed

Ashes to ashes

Dust to dust

Soul that thrashes

Heart that rusts

Sin drips in

Rips me apart

Will darkness win?

Will Christ depart?

Shall I break,

Evil will applaud.

All my mistakes

Reveal my façade.

 

Small compromises

Satan’s Enterprises

Business of lying

Knows I’m dying

Doesn’t care I’m buying’

Into fake “styling”

Cooked up and fryin’

My heart, deprivin’

Death now driving.

 

Oh, and I let it!

Chips out and betted

Casino of sensuality embedded

Forgot truth, barely read it.

 

Scripture gone, no cornerstone

Spirit aloft, dryer bones.

 

Unquenched thirst

Chronic hurt

Doctor examined

But abandoned…

At least I thought…

Once again, distraught.

 

O the drama of hearts:

Alive, dead, apart,

Shaken, buried, alarmed,

Still, rattled, charmed.

 

Romantic involvement,

Relational evolvement.

 

Pursuer, now pursued

By the true Groom.

Tried to seek and peruse

Other affections never bloom.

Mighty hands hold

My heart unfolds.

He’s real Love, I’m told.

 

Heart beats quicker

Feelings are thicker.

 

Shame comes

Pride runs

Broken crumbs

Tear drums

 

Washed cheeks,

I’m weak.

 

Love affair,

My fare.

 

Imagine my surprise

And evil’s demise

When grace shined

And Christ dined

With His Bride, unfaithful

But He remained faithful.

 

Affectionate eyes,

Gentle hands,

Removed lies,

Helped me stand.

 

Renewed, not abandoned.

Deep love; enchanted.

 

Restlessness now resting,

Surrender; stopped wrestling.

 

Refreshing waters flow

Spirit breathes, I grow.

 

Planted in His streams,

Grateful He redeems.

Main Event

This is going to be super quick if at all possible because I have much to do, but I feel it is necessary to let any of you that follow my blog know that I am doing much better today than I was when I wrote my last two entries. This weekend I attended Main Event, The Navigator’s fall conference for the heartland region, in downtown Kansas City (about 2 hours from K-State’s campus, and 35 mins from where I grew up). I had the blessed opportunity to meet some amazing people from the University of Kansas (yes, to my surprise there are quite delightful people who attend my rival university), other students from Kansas State, people from Miami, Ohio and many others. It was great to see so many different perspectives and so many different people who follow Jesus in one place.

My heart for those who do not know Jesus Christ as their LORD and Savior probably tripled this weekend, as I know that my relationship with Him is honestly the only thing that I have worth living and dying for. It’s the very essence of who I am and Christ alone provides me with the strength to persevere when the going gets tough; as recent semesters and trials with body-image, etc have certainly proven to produce.

There is much that I’ve learned and would love to share with many of you, so perhaps over the next day or two when I decide to take a long enough break from homework and other affairs, I will share that with you in an upcoming post. I just simply wanted to take the time to let you know that God truly does answer prayers and that once again He has proven Himself incredibly faithful to reignite my heart and allow me to feel alive once again. Hopefully this isn’t just some sort of “Jesus High” that one could get from attending a summer camp as a little kid. I believe that it is not. As long as I commit myself to staying in the Scriptures and pursuing deeper relationships with my brothers and sisters in Christ, then I’m certain that the flame within my heart will continue to burn bright, which will once again live up to the theme of this blog in the first place…I want to “Ignite the flame and set the world ablaze with the light of Christ!” and I desperately want to learn how to lead myself and others towards Embracing God’s Grace.