Fighting For The Right To Exist

“We’re all just fighting for the right to exist,” said Joseph as we sipped on coffee at Black Dog yesterday. My eyes sort of lit up at the reality of that statement and we proceeded to share how we were both learning what it meant to be content, fulfilled, and how to find a sense of self-worth.

“Everyone’s chasing a million dollars, or being the next big thing,” (paraphrased) we said next. And as my wife and I are discovering, that’s not necessarily what we want. Money would be nice – don’t get me wrong – to not have to worry about potential medical bills would be awesome, but what we’re searching for here is something bigger than what money can buy.

Money can buy you a lot of things. Expensive cars, big houses, a significant other that is potentially way out of your league, fine wine and 5-star dining/hospitality. But it can’t buy a sense of accomplishment or worth.

And who decides what makes you valuable anyways? Is it the individual that writes you a check bi-weekly for the work you’ve accomplished? Is it your parent’s standard of what your ideal is supposed to look like? Is it your own interpretation of what a perfect spouse is that you’ve unfairly projected onto your spouse and assumed they desired of you? (Guilty as charged.)

For me, I attempt to find worth in all kinds of things. The more friends I’ve connected with, the more fulfilled I’ll feel because then it feels like I’m making a difference or an impact on other’s lives. And according to my very kind friends, I am, and I’m grateful for that. But at the end of the day, that source of fulfillment is going to leave me as dry as a bottomless cup of coffee will. Eventually, you can’t stop peeing, the coffee tastes stale, and your body aches for water instead.

Perhaps that’s where we’re making things just a hair too complicated. At the end of the day, it’s that cold glass of water that leaves us feeling refreshed. It’s not the $10 bag of Roasterie coffee or the $40 bottle of bourbon; it’s not seeing the new movie or finishing that season of Parks & Rec; it’s a glass of water that our body needs and a walk around the block that clears our head.

The spiritual ties there are obvious, so I won’t waste my word-count trying to convince you of the benefits of Living Water and time to think clearly.

But aside from water and food, we all want to know and to be known. The times we feel closest to someone is when they open up to us and then we can open up to them. It takes two to tango and they both have to be willing to be vulnerable. But that’s how those excellent friendships last. I have to be willing to ‘undress’ myself in such a way that my imperfections can be clearly seen, noted, and dealt with – and yet, I’m still loved. And in return, I’ve gotta take that friend, brother, or my wife and see all of their vulnerability not as a chance to tear them down but as an opportunity to build them up. To speak life into their aching bones. To speak truthfully and honestly about the darkness evidently weighing heavily on their hearts and to lead them toward light and hope.

I think it’s true. “We’re all fighting for the right to exist.” But I wish it wasn’t. I wish we’d give ourselves a break from that pointless charade and war.

“I got the promotion! Now, do you love me?”

“I lost 20 lbs! Now, do you love me?”

“I starting writing more regularly! Now, do you love me?”

What if we confidently existed, comforted by the knowledge that we are loved? What if today I don’t strive and clean and seek perfection and I just sit here drinking my 3rd cup of Roasterie coffee (about to switch to water :P) and share these thoughts with you? What if afterwards I just lay on the coach and meditate on how it’s okay to just be me?

And so that’s exactly what I’m going to do this morning. I’m going to define my own worth by deciding anxiety has no place in my mind. I’m Taking Every Thought Captive (see last week’s post) and owning my own story. I’m not going to trouble myself with an unrealistic standard of perfection that I will certainly not meet today – especially while fighting a sore-throat, laryngitis, and congestion brought on by allergies and weather-changes. Today, I’m going to rest. Read books. Take a nap. And chill with Bryce.

coffee

Restless Heart

I know that You’re there

I know that You’re real

I know that You’ll spare

I know that You’ll heal

 

I know that I love You

I know that You’re mine

 

Yet the pain has me blue

Eyes distracted, I whine

 

Sure, it’s not preferred

Nor suggested

Sure, I’ve conferred

Yes, arrested

 

The ideas absurd deep within

That keeps me distraught;

Keeps me witherin’

 

It’s probably a drought

 

I’ll give it time; I’ll jest

I’ll keep the faith; I’ll rest.

 

Tonight, I choose You

Nothing else is enough.

Tomorrow, I’ll choose You

Even when it’s rough.

 

Nothing else satisfies

Nor will suffice

Nothing else gratifies

Nor will thrive.

 

Now Jesus please captivate;

Renew my attention.

 

LORD, speak! Make me still…

Submit my restless heart to Your will!

 

And as I drift off to sleep,

Father, I give you my heart to keep…


First Love

I can still remember the day I laid eyes on You

My heart skipped a beat as I knew you were True.

With a spirit of tender love, and selflessness

Opposing Your captivating beauty, I was helpless.

Whenever in Your arms I found rest.

Through borrowed strength; I could withstand any test.

With eyes on You, I could climb any mountain

Our relationship grew deeper than any well or fountain…

I can still remember the day I left You

Wouldn’t admit it, but on came ‘the blues’

Depression lingered despite numerous views

Thought pleasures of this world could amuse…

I drank and drank the world’s Kool-Aid 

Made me happy for a minute but was only a band-aid

That delayed the reality of deep, hurting pain

Dry and desolate in need of cleansing rain.

I can still remember the day I returned

Ashamed and eyes filled with tears; they burned

Thought certainly I had lost You for good

Instead you proposed to me with arms wide-open; hands nailed on wood.

“Welcome to my family, child, you’re the Church, my Bride

It’s time to lift your veil; you no longer need to hide…”

You see, I’m loved; bruises and all

And I’m lifted up, every time I fall

Not a single need that can’t be met

As a fisher of men; He fills my net.

The purpose of my life has been revealed

And my scars are continually healed

It’s so great to be refocused on things above;

Christ, the King of Kings, is and forever will be, my first love.