Fisher Of Men

I’m not sure what it will take,

To pay for that mistake.

The one I made decades ago,

That swung my heart to and fro.

Merry-go-round of emotions since,

The kind of pain that makes you wince.

It promised much and provided little,

Satan asked if he should play his fiddle.

Mocking the death of my feelings,

Taunting me with memories when,

I made active choices to sin.

“But do you remember when…”

“If your wife knew that, then…”

“Your love is fake, your story is a lie.”

Round and round, despair takes my breath.

This must be what it feels like – death.

All of this because I wanted to see,

That which wasn’t meant for me.

Images on a screen, women that weren’t mine.

Innocence taken before its time.

Side effects that can still be felt,

Worse than a bruise, worse than a welt.

Scar tissue that runs so deep,

It’ll hit me like a train and cause me to weep.

And there’s the enemy, back with his fiddle,

Ready to challenge me with another riddle.

“If you loved Jesus, then how could you?…”

“If you were Christian, then wouldn’t you?…”

“How will you pay for all of this?”

It’s true – I’m indebted.

Credit-line with God maxed out to the brim,

And it’s not just my heart that carries the pain,

Marriage causes Beauty to carry my shame.

The burdens too heavy to carry on my own,

Pick up the phone and call one another,

Thank the Lord Jesus for my brothers.

And if I could give you one piece of advice,

It’d be that the forbidden-fruit isn’t worth it.

It’s amazing how crafty and contorted,

Our versions of “truth” can become.

“It’s not that bad to look,”

“I’m just reading a book.”

“But it’s a good movie,”

“And it’s a great show.”

“We’re just talking.”

“It’s not really stalking.”

Oh I fear for the day the Judge returns,

Takes out the gavel as his heart burns,

With just anger and proclaims,

“Away from me, for you never knew me.”

Don’t stay there, my friend.

Walk into the light, and own up to when,

You made some choices that aligned you with sin.

Talk to someone, talk to me,

Ask them how you, too, can be free.

It’s not a joke, it’s not a comedy.

Interfile men because they’re wasting their seed,

Women’s hearts crushed, pleading with God that their men would be freed.

Family’s ripped apart because of sleazy affairs,

Men so emasculated that they have the courage of a young boy,

Because shame has tied a noose around their neck and stolen their joy.

That doesn’t have to be your story – it’s not mine anymore.

Christ, let us out of our heart’s prison,

Pay for our debts, for you’ve already risen.

Raise us up and fill our cup,

Renew our joy and our gifts,

Speak into my heart and give me your voice,

The courage to tell men they have a choice.

The strength to stand when others won’t,

And I suppose I’ll end on this note…

I can’t wait to see,

That which he’s meant for me.

The dreams and visions and ministry,

A fisher of men in a raging sea.

fishers of men

Good Mornings

Today is a Good Morning. It started with waking up at 5:00AM to make sure I could meet with a friend of mine at 6:30AM for breakfast and coffee – two of my favorite things – one on one time with a bro and delicious, bottomless mugs of Ethiopian blend coffee.

I don’t know why I don’t do this more often – wake up and get after it. Force myself out of bed for the benefit of the rest of the world, as well as myself. By waking up I took the time to invest on an emotional, mental, and spiritual level with another person and I’ve jump-started the rest of my day. I’m awake, alert, and ready to go long before I have to be clocked in at work and ready to go.

There’s a reason why you feel better on the mornings that you just get out of bed versus the days you snooze the alarm over and over again.

Today is also a Good Morning because it’s Good Friday. Today, we remember the day that Jesus sweat blood in the Garden of Gethsemane in the early hours of morning due to the anxiety of knowing what was to come that evening. Betrayal. Pain. Death.

And yet, we have the luxury of knowing that Sunday brings freedom from death because Christ escaped the grave and overcame death so that we don’t have to. By His blood, our sins are paid for, our righteousness has been bought at a price and all who have faith and repent can be saved. Incredible.

It’s interesting to think about the fact that our Savior, Himself, had to experience betrayal of a friend. The betrayal of a loved one or friends can sting and cut you down, the pain seeming to linger for a heart’s eternity. But there is hope – there is a Sunday for that. By experiencing the true love of Christ and His forgiveness over our own sin and darkness, we can be granted the strength and opportunity to forgive and release others of their transgressions to us.

I think the greatest example I’ve witnessed of this is my beautiful wife and the times I’ve hurt her with the words I’ve said or the actions I’ve taken. But something has always set her apart from anyone else I’ve given my heart in the past, she has always been capable of forgiveness. She’s always been filled with the Spirit, capable of a love deeper, more passionate, and more loyal than any I’d experienced before. It was because of this that my heart was drawn back to Jesus back in 2015 and because of this that I made her my bride in 2017. And it’s because of God’s redeeming work in my heart and in my life that I’m capable of loving her with that same kind of love in 2018 and beyond.

Perhaps you’ve been following along in our Psalms Study and you’ve seen the weekly tidbits of wisdom gathered from the Scriptures and I’ll do what I can to continue that at my writing leisure. But I felt today was the perfect opportunity to remind everyone that they can have a Good Morning too. The love of Jesus is available to you – you just have to make yourself available to it. And that’s the hardest part, isn’t it? (Because what if…he doesn’t come through this time, he doesn’t answer your first prayer, he forgets what you’ve been through…)

It’s worth the unknown, because He’s never left me hanging. In my moments of need, I’ve allowed myself to become anxious and worried time and again and it’s never added a minute to my life just as promised in Scripture – but somehow, someway, He always comes through for me. Let Him do the same for you.

Let this morning be the first of many Good Mornings.

good morning coffee

The MVP Of Marriage Thus Far

As you may already know, 12 hours ago I found myself waking up to the sound of my wife’s screams. The kind that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up and your adrenaline immediately start to pump. Probably just reaching a deep sleep cycle, it took me a minute to come to out of the fog, and realize the screams were coming from Allie, take my CPAP mask off, and run to her aid.

She’d collapsed on the floor after trying to get out of bed to stretch due to the discomfort being caused by the sciatica she was experiencing. From what I understand (and I don’t understand it very well yet), that means there are some pinched nerves near where her spine and butt meet that can cause a great deal of discomfort. Pinched nerves and muscle spasms are not a good thing. To my dismay she’s been uncomfortable and in tears for the last 3 weeks and I’ve stood there helplessly trying to figure out what to do. Chiropractic and massage therapist visits brought only temporary relief and in some cases only worsened things. And then it all came to a head last night when she literally could not get up from a fetal position. Trying to stretch things out for about 40 minutes. Me, laying on the floor next to her and trying to comfort her through the pain until I realized it was time to call for an ambulance…

My beautiful wife is fast asleep on the couch now, tuckered out from waking up in unbearable pain, being rolled in a chair down the stairs because she couldn’t walk, shot up with narcotics and now on heavy doses of pain-killers. Allie is such a strong, brave woman and I hate seeing her in this much pain. I also hate knowing there’s nothing I can do about it but help her get up and stay home for the next few days (since I had a vacation scheduled already anyways) to ensure she’s staying healthy.

Would I love to be in Vegas with my coworkers? Of course. But I’d love to stay here with her way more. I wouldn’t have nearly as much fun without her anyways. Something I think we both realized today is that one of the most valuable aspects of marriage is having someone there when you need them. I can’t imagine life without her. Vegas will always be there waiting for us in Nevada and sometime we can go when we’re both healthy. What’s valuable now is that regardless of whether I’m in Shawnee, KS or Las Vegas, NV I get to spend a few days with my best-friend and do what I can to encourage her weary heart.

I love you, babe.

Welcoming your prayers,

Justin Meyer

I See Greatness In You

I asked God to speak to me today. In prayer, out loud – I said, “Lord, I want to hear your voice – to feel your presence and to know that you are for me.” And I waited on the Lord; I waited for Him to come. And He didn’t…Not right away, anyways.

But somehow, going through the motions of the day, Allie and I began to open up – sharing deeper and deeper longings and dreams in our hearts and taking the time to intentionally ask questions and seek out more intimate truths. Walking further into the caverns of each other and finding precious rubies in each others hearts.

Vulnerable moments. The kind that make you hesitate before you share. The impulse comes and you begin to speak but doubt clouds your judgment and stills your tongue – wait a couple moments longer and you’ll be silenced – and then again the words come to your lips, you take a leap of faith and let them escape, exposing yourself to the other’s impact.

In that moment, you’ve chosen to be known.

And insecure fear can race into your mind, forcing you to wonder whether or not you should have shared that intimate part of yourself.

And in those moments today, we both found Jesus looking back at us – the other listened, asked questions, and went to the King as their mediator, gently refusing to pass judgment or throw the first stone.

“I see greatness in you.”

“I see greatness in you,” my wife said as we paused and reflected on the wonderful day of sharing that we had experienced together. “It’s the moments you’ve taken in your life to be vulnerable with others and listened to their counsel that have led to your greatness today, and more greatness to come.” (Slightly paraphrasing. But the message was clear, straight from the Lord. Two separate messages. First – a playful, “I heard your prayer and answered it. Didn’t I?” Because He spoke to me, clearly, plainly, and beautifully – just in a different way than I had expected. The second message became clearer the more I meditated on the words my wife had spoken. “I’m proud of you, son.”)

“I’m proud of you, son.”

Unashamed. The Lord, my King and Father, is unashamed of me. He isn’t passing judgement on my weight or lack of income recently due to poor sales or my insecure worrying and constant pleas for others to pray for me, because of my disbelief in the effectiveness of my own prayers. He isn’t saying, “Go read one more chapter of the Bible and then I’ll pour out my love and affection upon you.”

The story of the prodigal son is true. It’s my story and it can be yours true. A ragamuffin, troubled by the thorn in Paul’s side, recovering from addiction to counterfeit affections by God’s grace. Every memory of hurt and torment, every word of abuse, every fragile friendship that experienced abandonment, Jesus has offered to take those from me and to replace them with His love. All I had to do was let Him in. Never once after letting Him in has He cursed me with residency in my past, dooming me to a life of shame. Rather, He’s freed me from my shackles and shown me His powerful mercy and grace. To the point that my beautiful, outstanding, strong, faithful, kind, merciful, Christ-like wife said, “I see greatness in you.”

Words that melted my heart, softened me to His Love. Tonight, I’m Embracing God’s Grace. I’m accepting myself because He accepts me – not as an acquaintance and not even as a distance friend, but as a son – a son that He is proud of.

vulnerability

The 19th Day

Obscure title for an obscure blog-post. Because I don’t really know what I’m going to end up writing here but I’m gonna post it because I can.

It’s the 19th day without social-media and I’m in full-force withdrawal symptoms right now. How am I supposed to distract myself from all of the hard life decisions that Allie and myself are trying to make at the same time? Without social-media and memes and posting requests for prayer or humorous videos – how does one get by in life?

I suppose I could pick up the phone and call a friend. But I’ve already done that a few times and while it’s good, it takes time and emotional energy and I’m already exhausted from the day at hand. But every good thing takes time and energy, doesn’t it? Every relationship must be invested in and pruned – otherwise it becomes entangled in weeds, is not watered properly, and dies.

Financially, we are trying to reduce/eliminate debt – which is noble and just and good. But at what point is some debt worth it? A reliable car that you actually enjoy driving and don’t have to worry about whether or not it will start in the morning is a huge blessing that I don’t take for granted after having driven my grandpa’s old pickup truck for 10 years prior to owning a modern-day Camry. But being $5,000 upside down isn’t exactly ideal and with Allie’s lease being up soon, it’s hard to justify her finding a Craigslist SUV if I’m driving something nicer. But is that nicer vehicle worth it? Because I’m the kind of guy that gets attached to the car he drives and will drive it until it becomes too expensive to maintain. I’m not the trade my car in every couple years kinda person. So…who knows. Who gets to decide that – Allie, myself, someone else? Nah, we’ve gotta come to an agreement, together. And we will. But when you get married, they don’t exactly hand you an owner’s manual on financial negotiations and fiscal responsibility, just as I’m sure Allie wished she received an owner’s manual on a guy’s need for adventure and spontaneity so she’d be prepared for all the wildcard decisions I make from time-to-time. But our differences are what makes us special and often-times, together we are stronger.

It’s just interesting that you grow up and you learn math and science and reading and writing but it seems I learned very little about fiscal responsibility, negotiating/compromising, relational ethics, and problem-solving/decision-making. All of which are necessary attributes of adulthood.

You’re never really prepared for the time that as a 27 year-old man you’ll call your Dad and say, “So what do you do when you don’t know what to do?” And then he won’t really know the answer either. And somehow, you both land on that you should pray some more. But am I a bad Christian if I say that when I pray some more sometimes it doesn’t seem to make all that much difference? And other times, it seems God decides to provide a solution at the very last possible minute, as if to say, “Gotcha! And you spent all that time worrying!”…with a snicker on his face.

I just don’t get it. Life is so complex. Talking with a friend recently, we were discussing balance – the need to balance time building up your skill-sets and time working to provide income and then time needed to invest in relationships like family, friends and a good marriage – and what about the need to invest in rest, for your own physical self and for your personal relationship with God? (I’ve found that doesn’t seem to ever make it into the American equation for success and I believe it’s the missing link toward inner-peace which is why, while I work in retail sales and my income is based solely on commission, I refuse to go in and work every single day of the week like some of my coworkers. That’s just not the life for me.)

Is it better to reduce debt or to build savings? Is it better to get a house now or to rent until a mortgage payment is more reasonable or in enough years, unnecessary?

If my dream is to one day write several published books, then how can one write them if they have so many questions? It appears I know far less than many. I’m told a humble and contrite spirit, ready to listen to and obey God is the place to begin. But what about those days when you wake up and you’ve tried as hard as you can try but it all seems lost? (That’s not to say there’s no light or hope, but there’s just no certainty or vision.)

I think one of the things I value the most about my marriage with Allie is that every night as I’m laying there wrestling with these thoughts and a dozen others, I can always reach over and hold her. She doesn’t care if I wake her up. And if I’m feeling particularly stressed, she’ll ask me what’s up and I’ll explain and she won’t scold me for my disbelief, she’ll pray with me. She’s always right there. Ready to serve. Willing to love.

The truth is I’m a blessed, young man that’s being forced to grow with an expediency like I’ve never experienced before. All comfort-levels broken down, all safety nets cut off, all darkness being exposed to the light, and yet Allie stays with me, Jesus shows His love to me, and peers see potential – they see something, in my eyes, in my actions, in my heart – they see something and they call out what they believe God intends for me and I just find myself spellbound by the unknowns yet amazed that people think I’ll get there. That all my shortcomings can be overcome.

No one’s given up on me yet, so I can’t give up on myself.

19

A Pre-Vacation Reflection

It felt liberating to write Honesty Hour. If you haven’t had a chance to do so, you should. There’s no need to hide within the confines of your heart any longer. My favorite thing about marriage is the freedom it brings to open myself up to my bride and share my fears, anxieties, longings, and overall heart with her. Sometimes my heart troubles her and other times it brings joy, and still others, it requires her to pray. But allowing her to see into my soul is true intimacy; it’s not the fabricated, romanticized Hollywood love but it’s the real love, the kind of love that would do anything for the betterment of the other. Because the other is more important than yourself.

This weekend we are heading to Table Rock Lake and Branson, MO for a brief vacation and I’m stoked. I suppose you could say I’m burnt-out – Harvey, our beloved, adorable, goofy, and also extremely needy beagle-puppy has worn me down with his whining and the constant attention he needs. I’m ready for a retreat. They said kids are even worse, so I suppose this is good training since I’d love to be a father someday (in the future). Harvey thinks I’ll be a great Dad – he just brought me his hamburger chew-toy (a boy after his father’s heart – love me a good burger) so we could play fetch before we go. I’ve hit the “pinnacle” of success at work and entered a club I didn’t think I’d reach and then right after experienced a decrease in ability to sell – but such is life, I’ll get it back. I think I’m just tired and need some rest so vacation here we come.

I’ve been thinking lately about purpose. What does it mean to have a purpose and where does it come from? What and who are you living for? Most of us work to make a living, but do we live? We wake up, go to work, come home, pay the bills, and then wake up the next day to do it all over again – but for what cause or purpose? Things have seemed…grey, as I’ve found myself in that vortex of logic, lacking a purpose or passion.

The beauty of being married to a woman as beautiful, strong, kind, and compassionate as Allie is that I can share those grey days with her and she listens. Obviously, her preference is charming, joyous, and whimsical Justin but when she gets the discouraged and disarrayed one she loves him just the same. And I prefer the flirty, spontaneous, ready-for-adventure Allie but when she’s anxious about finding a job and discouraged by lies from the devil that few enjoy her company, I love her the same and gently remind her otherwise.

I guess I’m writing today to share that I’m excited about Vacation, I’m filled with gratitude to be married to a woman that loves me so much. I’m thankful for my brothers and sisters and I’m excited that my brother that lives with us is going on this trip with us – it’ll be a sort of housemate bonding road-trip and vacation. I’ve already compiled a Playlist of favorite, upbeat jams. A little Ben Rector and Ed Sheeran, mixed with Lecrae, Usher, NSYNC – you get the picture.

My heart needs the gentle reminder of reasons to be thankful, like the fact that by working hard and pushing myself out of my comfort-zone professionally I’ve probably doubled my income over the last year alone. I’ve got a dog snuggled up to my feet because he can sense that we’re leaving and he’s gonna miss us. When we got married, Allie saved up some money and bought us an espresso-machine because she knew I loved coffee. And on the first night we had to spend apart so she could take care of her Mom recovering from surgery she kindly put together a care package with a card that melted my heart, because she knew I’d have trouble sleeping without her (I’ve shared a room with someone since I was a kid and have never done well sleeping in a room on my own). So I’m grateful. I’m blessed. And I’m excited to allow Jesus to speak his word into my heart as we go on an adventure and find some rest.

Tyler is back from work and jumping in the shower, so I suppose it’s time to go. Keep the prayers coming for safe travels and personal growth.

Table Rock Lake

Living The Dream

I remember it as if it were yesterday,
Awkwardly attempting to connect,
Humor covering up the desire for respect.
Fear was met by boldness – objection.
Objecting to the norm of selfish intent,
Beauty flipped the script,
Gentleness overcame insinuations.

The Spirit within was awakened,
The Good had slept – dormant for years.
Focused on what’d been taken.
Freedom from the youthful days; childish replays.

And I suppose, even my foes,
Were growing weary of this prose.

Sappy pity it were that my choices had
Led to where I was,
And have led to where I am.

Yet, something changed that day…

That green eyes met blue.
Golden locks of hair – oh the way I look at you.

Prettiest heart I’d ever seen,
And I didn’t even know it all,
Until the Fall.

The past came to haunt me,
Evil’s accomplice, anxiety and shame, began taunting,
Lies of worthlessness and not being of measure,
The trickiest trickster began to hurt her.

Ominous clouds hung over the fairytale,
While mistrust hinted at the kingdom’s fall.

Then before my eyes – Jesus came to life.
Prayer led the way,
Forgiveness saved the day and made her braver,
Brothers cut off the chains and let to Freedom.
God restored our kingdom.

The prodigal son returned,
The Father reinstating his name to Prince;
He then pursued the princess and made her Queen.

And now I’ve seen the unseen,
I’ve held the Queen at night,
Eyes blurred with fright,
Felt the trembling in her bones.

At first I tried to fix it,
But learned I had to quit it.
Because all that she needed,
Was me, and I was there.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Ever.
Our hearts are tethered.

Because I’ve decided.
And I did,
A man, not a kid.

Decided that you’re worth it.
Worth whatever it takes, whatever’s at stake.
Death to pride and death to shame,
Jesus gave me a new name,
Ignite the Flame.

Humility, the fuel we need.
Quality time, the faithful steed.

And thinking back to ‘glory days’,
What a phrase,
Just a phase.

I’d rather sing Christmas carols in May,
Keep your heart laughing,
Help you with the shopping,
Hold you until you know it’s fine,
Trust’s sleep, so divine.

And so there I laid, thinking of you,
The one that changed it all,
Endured the Fall and prayed through Winter,
Walked with me into Spring,
Now we can hear Summer sing.

Babe, it would seem,
I’m already living the dream.

With Love,
A Poem For My Love.

wedding-day