I don’t know if you can relate to this or not, but I have a very hard time being myself. I’m always worried about what other people are thinking about me, whether or not I’m a “disappointment” to them. Dave Hollis set me straight today in The Power of Positive Summit when he said that he hates to burst our bubble but people aren’t thinking about you, they’re thinking about themselves.
I wonder if anyone else needs to come to this realization to bet set free from the expectations of others. I just cracked open a Blue Moon because it sounded good. Sure, it’s 3:42 PM on a Saturday afternoon and sure, I’d typically be at work right now. But there’s a pandemic and everyone’s coping in their own way, trying their best to survive and to find their mental-health “zen” so to speak. A new normal in an age that will most definitely not be normal. The truth is the last couple weeks I’ve barely found the strength to get out of bed, let alone write a blog post or apply for temporary work or summon up the courage to return to my sales job. But I woke up this morning, ate a healthy breakfast, read a few chapters of the Bible, spent quality time with my wife, and walked the dog briefly – and that’s enough. I don’t have to be any idealized version of myself because that’s all crap anyways. “I can be any me that I want to be today,” a friend of mine told me this week.
The truth is, I’m not perfect. Like you, I’ve eaten my fair share of quarantine snacks and became enthralled with the viral Facebook Group “Quarantine Beer Chugs” (while I’ve recently left the group to fill my mind with more life-giving content…it did provide a slice of escapism and entertainment for a few days in the midst of inner chaos…perhaps the appeal was the chaos; that people were just giving in to it). My wife and I have become obsessed with some whole-wheat banana muffins with pecans in them and we’ve eaten one probably every day to the point that I’m sure my swimsuit selfie in a few months will bring a whole new definition to muffin-top. But you know what? I don’t care.
I stepped on the scale earlier this week and with the realization that I could die at any given day (this has always been true, but all the more real in a season of panic and chaos surrounding the coronavirus) and suddenly the numbers glaring back at me didn’t seem to matter all that much. “Here lies Justin, 6’3”, 260 lbs.” Because in the end, that’s what matters….not! What will matter is the many laughs, intentional Bible Studies, and thought-provoking, heart-changing conversations that have occurred with friends and family as we have wrestled through this chapter in our lives, together.
I’ve even caught myself questioning my own salvation. Would a man that believes in the power of Jesus Christ to rise from the grave and overcome sin be so terrified of a virus that can suck the life out of a person in a matter of weeks, if not days? While at this point in time, I won’t provide some long-winded, well-thought-out version of the answer, I think I came to the conclusion that yes, it was okay. Jesus sweated blood when he knew his time was imminent. And even he asked the Lord to take this cup from Him.
I believe Jesus was born of a virgin, lived a sinless life, died a sinner’s death, and rose again to pay the ultimate price for our sins so that I could have eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. O death, where is your sting? (In this season, that almost seems like a dare to type those words…but really, where is death’s sting if Jesus paid the price and rescued us?)
I don’t know about you, but I’m in debt. Lots of it. And to think that Jesus has paid off all my sin’s debt just baffles my mind. I’m still waiting for Navient to just pay off all my student-loan debt. For now, I’ll take President Trump’s coronavirus relief package of forbearance to defer those payments for later, when I’m making money again.
I am so thankful for my friends, family, and my faith in this season. If it weren’t for Jesus and my truly becoming “a new creation” I would have bounded right back into addiction. I wouldn’t have wrestled and fought and cried and struggled. I would have given in to the darkness and given up. But I haven’t done any of those things, and that is enough. Because God is enough, and every day I get to make the decision of whether or not I will trust in Him.
You can make that same decision too – will you trust him or not? I’ll tell you what – the days that I choose the former go much smoother than the days I choose the latter.
My heart breaks for those that are going through all of this without a Savior they can turn to and to the ones that only choose to surrender their life to Him once in a Blue Moon. Like a good father, he waits on us to call for him while walking towards the door to our hearts and never away from it.