Thoughts On Boundaries

A few days ago I started reading Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, “Boundaries.” As an external processor, I figured it’d be beneficial to share what I’m learning and thinking about in regards to boundaries in an open blog post. Plus, I’m sure it could spark some good conversations as well so feel free to comment with your thoughts and feelings on the issue.

Growing up in a rigidly conservative home, I was surprised at the “freedom” I found while in school. There was a whole new world of (mostly sinful) possibilities out there and now I had to make the right-or-wrong decisions for myself. My faith could no longer be my parents and my decisions could no longer be made just because they said so. There’s a lot of things that college didn’t teach me, but one thing it teaches everyone is to think for themselves.

Using my own brain and learning by trial-and-many-errors, I’ve discovered there is a REASON there are “rules” and/or boundaries listed in Scripture. As I’ve shared many times before, there is no escaping the Kingdom Economy of reaping what you sow. Sow good and reap good. Sow bad and reap bad. It’s humorous how we are often surprised when we go to harvest the crop of our hearts and find so many weeds – but then when looking back realize we spent no times in the fields pulling those weeds. We didn’t do the hard work to ensure we had a good harvest.

One of the topics discussed thus far in the book is word boundaries. The concept of letting your yes be yes and your no be no – biblical, Christian, and logically sound, it’s perplexing that this seems to be such a difficult concept for us to grasp. We often find ways to displace the responsibility of our decisions onto others – “He told me to do it,” or “If I hadn’t, then I would have lost their friendship.” So we “passively comply, but inwardly resent” – doing something for the sake of “serving someone” but not actually having a desire to serve, or at least not serve in that certain capacity. And all it would have taken is a simple, “No.” Saying “no” would have set the boundary that you were not willing to accept that certain responsibility – it would not make you a bad person, and for emotionally healthy individuals, should not terminate the friendship.

Another concept from the book that I’ve found particularly encouraging is that we can’t always make ourselves responsible for the well-being of others. The book gives the example of a drug-addicted son who, over time, has managed to get kicked out of a number schools. The parents come to see Dr. Cloud and ask him what they should do about their problem-child. “We’ve spent lots of money and do everything we can to get him into a better school but nothing ever changes. Dr. Cloud’s response catches them by surprise. “What if he’s not the problem and you are?” By continually making his problems yours, he’s never had to actually learned from his mistakes – because he’s never had to suffer the consequences. Setting the boundary that his results are his to own frees the parents from the burden of “making their kid succeed” – leaving them free to play the role of friend and counselor, without the heavy baggage of taking on their son’s problem as if it were their own burden to bear.

It’s hard, though. To separate others burdens from your own to and to know when to let others in and when to keep them out – when to say yes and when to say no. When to set boundaries and when to rewrite the provinces and territories of our hearts.

Marriage has placed me in a position to sort of rewrite my boundaries. I get to decide what I do and do not do, whose advice I consider and who’s I disregard, and at the end of the day, who I am is the sum of my decisions and their consequences up to that point. I cannot escape the reality of my own heart, nor can you.

Now for the fun part – what are your thoughts on boundaries? What have you learned by setting certain limits and property-lines in your life and hearts? Any takeaways you care to share? Feel free to do so – I enjoy learning alongside you.

boundaries

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

I love writing letters. They’re my absolute favorite form of writing – the easiest method for me to portray my heart for another. So I’m going to write you a letter, today.

Marriage is awesomely hard and beautiful. I highly recommend it. To avoid marriage for the sake of maintaining the “juvenile liberties” I mentioned in my “I Decided” blog the day before our wedding is, well, juvenile. If you’re ready to man/woman up, then buckle up and commit yourself. “But don’t expect it to be easy.” I heard it a million times in pre-marital counseling, bars and coffee-shops, at work, and just about anywhere else I would find myself out. “Marriage is going to be way harder than you think.”

“Thanks…” I’d think to myself, wishing for one time in my life that someone would hand me an empty hearted, positive platitude of “it’ll be perfect.”

I’m learning that ‘perfect’ is fake and that Allie and I are beautifully broken, but wholly redeemed, renewed, and renovated by Jesus. Now THAT sounds like one of those platitudes. An empty Christian cliche when speaking of relationships. But I’m absolutely serious. It’s when her and I are both edgy, spent, and ready to fight or retreat from one another that Jesus makes every bit of difference. We look at each other, apologize for the hurtful thing we said or did, ask for forgiveness, and then take it to Jesus. Or maybe we don’t even know what exactly is wrong at the moment, but we pray about it and the Holy Spirit starts to counsel us. “Hey Justin…remember when you made that judgmental remark about her makeup…that’s why she’s sad.”

You’ll never find a better mirror for your selfishness than living in communion with another. You’ll also never have a better chance to be more giving, selfless, and kind. My wife is awesome – I’d say she’s on the giving, selfless, and kind side of the spectrum about 90% of the time, and that’s not exaggerating. I admire her for her servant-heartedness and her tender and gentle care for my heart and soul when I’ve often done little to deserve such pure, innocent, genuine, earnest love. It’s beautiful and screams of Jesus work in her heart and life. Her life proclaims His name; her actions and hard work, her evangelism.

And that’s worth it all – ya know? That’s why I recommend getting married if you’re willing to give up your individual “freedom” – because it’s within the “confines” of marriage that I’m gradually learning so much about true freedom. To lay there naked and feel loved, attractive, and securely know that she’s not going anywhere is Cloud 9 awesome. To pull back the veil and let her further into my heart, while also initially scary and difficult, is always so rewarding as she always finds a way to love and accept me exactly where I’m at. And then, by the natural Law Of Reciprocity within relationships, I get to know more of her.

Do we cry? Heck yes! Do we disagree? For sure, especially when one of us is in our selfish-mode and not thinking about what’s best for the collective.

But friends, when we are in community with Jesus and with each other and everything is firing on all cylinders and we are more concerned about the wellbeing of the other than of ourselves, that’s when the fireworks start. That’s intimacy like you’ve never experienced before. Far better, hotter, more pure and beautiful than anything you’ve ever found within the sphere of dating and “friends.” I’m so, so glad that I Decided to marry her.

Marriage gives you a lot. It gives you love, someone that always has your back, a partner-in-crime/partner-on-mission; in my case, it gives me amazing, home-cooked dinners and pre-cooked breakfast burritos and a newfound ability to make homemade lattes because my wife is a beautiful (part-time/seasonal) barista (was always a ‘fantasy’ of mine – to marry a barista – and I did…God is too good to be true sometimes). What fun we have!

Marriage also takes a lot. One of those being your time. Part of the purpose of writing this “Dear Friend” letter is to share my gratefulness for marriage and to be a cheerleader for others to dive into the growth-vehicle that is commitment. The other aspect is to apologize for my inability to be as fully-vested in friendships as I was prior to saying, “I do.” As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I can’t always reply to text-messages within 5 seconds like I used to. And I can’t make as many phone-calls as I used to friends that live in different places. That’s because, working in sales, I’m tied to my phone for the 9-10 hours a day I’m at work anyways. So I’m pretty tired of it by the time I get home. Also, because Allie deserves as much of my heart and attention-span as I can offer. And, having moved into a place with Allie only 10-15 minutes away from work makes it difficult to call a friend I haven’t connected with in a while and then shoo them away 10 minutes later when I’ve reached home and my pretty wife is waiting inside to kiss me. I love you guys and all, but man-to-man, those kisses take a higher priority a majority of the time. ;P

So friends, if you’re married, kiss your spouse and tell them why you love them. Think back to why you married each other and renew your commitment to increased intimacy. Love them because they need it. You’re not always going to want to, but it’s then that Christ shines through you – when you choose to love them anyways.

And if you’re not married, get honest with yourself. What is it that you’re afraid of? The lie I always told myself is that I wasn’t ready. Well duh, no one is ever “ready.” If I had waited until I was “ready” and perfectly pruned and refined, Allie would still be waiting at the altar. Perhaps it’s because your heart is tied up in the lie that you’ve got more freedom outside of commitment. I promise you that I’m learning every day how untrue that lie was and how much freer and safer and more content and loved I feel within the covenant of marriage. Get honest with a brother in Christ and share your heart with them, pull the weeds of your insecurities and your sin problems, and then pursue a woman worth loving and committing yourself to. And then get in the fight for bringing His Kingdom to Earth together.

My letters get long sometimes. Thanks for reading (and for loving me) anyways.

Your Friend,
Justin Meyer

dear friend letter

Fighting For The Right To Exist

“We’re all just fighting for the right to exist,” said Joseph as we sipped on coffee at Black Dog yesterday. My eyes sort of lit up at the reality of that statement and we proceeded to share how we were both learning what it meant to be content, fulfilled, and how to find a sense of self-worth.

“Everyone’s chasing a million dollars, or being the next big thing,” (paraphrased) we said next. And as my wife and I are discovering, that’s not necessarily what we want. Money would be nice – don’t get me wrong – to not have to worry about potential medical bills would be awesome, but what we’re searching for here is something bigger than what money can buy.

Money can buy you a lot of things. Expensive cars, big houses, a significant other that is potentially way out of your league, fine wine and 5-star dining/hospitality. But it can’t buy a sense of accomplishment or worth.

And who decides what makes you valuable anyways? Is it the individual that writes you a check bi-weekly for the work you’ve accomplished? Is it your parent’s standard of what your ideal is supposed to look like? Is it your own interpretation of what a perfect spouse is that you’ve unfairly projected onto your spouse and assumed they desired of you? (Guilty as charged.)

For me, I attempt to find worth in all kinds of things. The more friends I’ve connected with, the more fulfilled I’ll feel because then it feels like I’m making a difference or an impact on other’s lives. And according to my very kind friends, I am, and I’m grateful for that. But at the end of the day, that source of fulfillment is going to leave me as dry as a bottomless cup of coffee will. Eventually, you can’t stop peeing, the coffee tastes stale, and your body aches for water instead.

Perhaps that’s where we’re making things just a hair too complicated. At the end of the day, it’s that cold glass of water that leaves us feeling refreshed. It’s not the $10 bag of Roasterie coffee or the $40 bottle of bourbon; it’s not seeing the new movie or finishing that season of Parks & Rec; it’s a glass of water that our body needs and a walk around the block that clears our head.

The spiritual ties there are obvious, so I won’t waste my word-count trying to convince you of the benefits of Living Water and time to think clearly.

But aside from water and food, we all want to know and to be known. The times we feel closest to someone is when they open up to us and then we can open up to them. It takes two to tango and they both have to be willing to be vulnerable. But that’s how those excellent friendships last. I have to be willing to ‘undress’ myself in such a way that my imperfections can be clearly seen, noted, and dealt with – and yet, I’m still loved. And in return, I’ve gotta take that friend, brother, or my wife and see all of their vulnerability not as a chance to tear them down but as an opportunity to build them up. To speak life into their aching bones. To speak truthfully and honestly about the darkness evidently weighing heavily on their hearts and to lead them toward light and hope.

I think it’s true. “We’re all fighting for the right to exist.” But I wish it wasn’t. I wish we’d give ourselves a break from that pointless charade and war.

“I got the promotion! Now, do you love me?”

“I lost 20 lbs! Now, do you love me?”

“I starting writing more regularly! Now, do you love me?”

What if we confidently existed, comforted by the knowledge that we are loved? What if today I don’t strive and clean and seek perfection and I just sit here drinking my 3rd cup of Roasterie coffee (about to switch to water :P) and share these thoughts with you? What if afterwards I just lay on the coach and meditate on how it’s okay to just be me?

And so that’s exactly what I’m going to do this morning. I’m going to define my own worth by deciding anxiety has no place in my mind. I’m Taking Every Thought Captive (see last week’s post) and owning my own story. I’m not going to trouble myself with an unrealistic standard of perfection that I will certainly not meet today – especially while fighting a sore-throat, laryngitis, and congestion brought on by allergies and weather-changes. Today, I’m going to rest. Read books. Take a nap. And chill with Bryce.

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Taking Every Thought Captive

“The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.  We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.  And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete.”

2 Corinthians 10:4-6 is the battlecry I didn’t know my heart needed. I spent the majority of my morning wrestling with my thought-life, as I have for the past few days. Having difficulty sleeping due to anxiety revolving around thinking or perhaps even lack thereof. Over dinner the other evening, I shared with Allie that I felt the world went by too quickly sometimes and I wished there were more time to think and ponder. Interesting for a man to wish for that who is often consumed by destructive thinking, but I meant in the hustle and bustle of the monotonous, everyday it’s easy to forget to dream or to listen to God’s voice and leading.

I found myself restless this morning, wrestling with temptations to be lustful or bitter or to covet the riches of others. A lack of contentment led to a feeling of anxiety and a general wrestling that led to a need distract and accomplish – a need to avoid listening to my heart and to God and to bury myself into something – so cleaning the bathroom and doing laundry it was. Contrary to the norm of remaining in those life-stealing thoughts and/or numbing myself by seeking the entertainment of Netflix, etc. I found myself listening to a sermon on “Do Not Be Anxious” taught out of Philippians. It’s a frequently utilized passage that I’ve read, studied, preached to myself and to others, numerous times. But God has a way of teaching us something new with the same verses sometimes. And this time, I felt a call to action.

A sort of “enough is enough.” Allie’s shared with me that a tactic her parents used when she was having a pity party as a child was to tell her that it was a “Party of 1.” Meaning they weren’t going to entertain her ideas and stay there with her, but she was welcome to join their party of forward thinking, whenever she was done wallowing. I’ve since seen it used as a gentle anecdote to bring me out of my own pity parties of one. And so enough was enough – there was nothing healthy coming of staying in those dark, deceptive, depressing, deviant, distractions from the truth, known as my own negative thinking.

I’d equate pessimism as a habitual thought-cycle, a sort of systematic mind-numbing addiction. An unsatisfactory result occurs and your neural pathways have trained themselves to assume failure, which to no one’s surprise leads to further failure because you didn’t take the time out of your day to plan and to believe in yourself long enough to make a change. And so you did the same thing, “expecting” a different result – the very definition of insanity.

And so I laid on the bed, exhausted from going on a cleaning rampage to calm myself and had a heart-to-heart with God. “Lord, help me take every thought captive for your glory. If it’s not from you, help me to submit it to your will and to send it away from me. Heal and renew my mind. By taking my thoughts captive, I ask that you’d set my heart free so I’d be alive enough to be me.”

Scholars on addiction and thought-process have come to see that in order to retrain one’s impulses, whether they be thoughts or actions, it is necessary to identify triggers and to plan new responses. So instead of getting anxious and throwing back a few beers like you did in college, maybe you’ve now matured and have started going to the gym instead. For me, I think that whenever I’m faced with anxiety, anger, depression, or any kind of unwholesome thinking, I’m going to have to train myself to pray. But not only to pray – but to believe in the power of prayer and in its effectiveness. Then to make a move, take a step in a direction, sure of my footing because I’ve submitted my will to the Lord and pressing forward rather than remaining in the same place.

So long, stagnancy. Goodbye, evil. Farewell, apathy.

Enter Jesus. Together, we’re Taking Every Thought Captive.

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10 Days.

And on the 10th day, Justin realized how selfish he was. Actually, it happened much, much quicker than that. For both of us really. You see – when you take two intelligent, dominant personalities together, you don’t always get butterflies in your stomach and warm, fuzzy feelings. Although we still do, frequently.

The leader of my accountability group at Freedom KC said, “You need to get some callouses on your knees.” Of course, what he meant, is that it was time to pray. And it has been. Time to pray more than I ever have before.

I’ve learned that it’s so easy to get angry, simply because certain things aren’t being done the way that I’m used to them being done. Or because something is inconvenient. For example, I’ve been trying to find some time to myself basically since we got back from the honeymoon. I absolutely love her with my whole heart and I thoroughly enjoy the time we get to spend together, but it’s 1,000% necessary for me to break away and do my own thing from time-to-time and 9 days in (yesterday), that was being threatened as I planned on doing it today. My brother’s car was experiencing issues and I was going to have to be his chauffeur for the first couple hours of the day and then Allie asked if I’d go grocery shopping if she gave me a list. (The easier of the two tasks, obviously.) But I let it noticeably change my mood. I needed to write and do classwork and wanted to read. All beneficial, good, healthy tasks that I’d been unable to invest in much at all. But of course, having food for dinner is as well. Life is a balance and I’m not very good at it yet.

So here I am in Starbucks, selfishly writing. And I’ve found myself faced with this reality of “is it selfish or is it necessary?” I’ve heard it said before that you can’t take care of another person if you can’t take care of yourself and last night as I collapsed on the living room floor after running errands all day long I felt myself reach the end of my reserve tanks. I was spent. Nothing left, I climbed into bed and Allie followed suit. What followed was a loving and warm conversation as we requested forgiveness and were forgiven, spoke kind words over each other, expressed our feelings, and then prayed together. Shortly thereafter, we were both out cold. So I’m here, neglecting husbandly duties for the sake of myself, but for whatever reason I’m confident I’ll be a better husband this evening if I take this time for myself this afternoon.

What my leader said is correct. Allie and I have both never prayed more in our lives. When conflict arises, we call a metaphorical timeout and spend some time praying. It helps us remember that Jesus is Lord of us and we are not. Helps us remove our selfish desires from the equation and objectively decide together what is best for US, as a UNIT.

United, we’ll stand. Divided, we’ll fall. 10 times out of 10.

I believe I used this illustration in my “I Decided” blog the day before the wedding. But it stands true and I’ll bring it up again. Allie and I both have baggage. I’d equate it to carrying our suitcases through the airport. Fulfilling my sorority girl coffee-order stereotype, I’d packed one bag more than her and she’d helped me carry my luggage when my hands were full with other stuff. In the same way, there have been moments where both of us have felt burdened by all of the baggage that we carry in our own hearts and lives. Mostly insecurities. Things about how we look, whether or not we’re measuring up, if we’ll make a good husband or a good wife, or how we’ll manage to keep alive the things that make our hearts passionate, fiery and powerful as individuals, yet build and maintain the essential uniformity that binds us together in union.

We’re both learning that we can’t let the other sink themselves to the bottom of the ocean with the weight of their own expectations.

Which brings me to something else I’m learning. It’s the concept of projection. So let’s say that I’m feeling some relational tension. Allie and I are both sort of ready to spar with one another. You can sort of sense that snarky right-jab coming your way and you get on the defensive, ready to fight back for your dignity, for SPARTA! You get the idea. We know it’s silly. You know it’s silly. In the end, the disagreement was never worth all the hoopla anyways. But there we are, tension building. And I’m really feeling it, right? Because I’m a feeler. And I’m emotional intelligent. And I’m CERTAIN that she’s mad at me because I’m not living up to her perfect, unrealistic expectations for me. But notice there’s one thing missing from the equation…Allie’s actual expectations. What’s happened is my mind has taken my own unrealistic, burdening expectations for myself, and then placed them unfairly onto her. I’ve put words into her mouth that weren’t even there.

We’ve both witnessed this unhealthy phenomena take place. During a conversation in her Dad’s truck on the way to pick up a FREE QUEEN SIZED BED (THANK YOU, JESUS!) we started a healthy discussion about our own unrealistic expectations. And how if we continued to hold onto those unhealthy burdens then we’d continually feel as if we couldn’t breathe, as if we were sinking to the bottom of an ocean. Defensive and unaccepting of the other’s help, they wouldn’t be able to lift us to the surface and we’d allow our relationship to fade into the apathetic oblivion of the ocean floor. Thankfully, we’re choosing every day to not go that route. We always make it back to the surface and swim toward the Heavens.

Whatever it takes. Forever and always. Allie and myself will fight for, serve, protect, and preserve our relationship. “Better together, always forever, ’til death do us part.” I said it then, I’ll say it now, and I’ll live it out for the next 60+ years.

Speaking with her father at the Rehearsal Dinner the evening before the wedding I mentioned how nervous I’d been about my vows and how I’d rewritten them probably three different times. In his matter-of-fact manner he said, “Well just remember it’s not your words that’ll matter – in the the end, it’s your actions that will count.” That being said, I’ve taken the time to write the words and now it’s time to go live it out. I’ve got some stamps to buy, Valentine’s gifts to find, cleaning to contribute to, and work to return to wholeheartedly tomorrow. Pray I do it all well.

Marriage has been and will continue to be the most beautifully hard thing I’ve ever taken part in, but I’m so thankful for the opportunity God has given us within it. An incubator for personal growth and development as a unit, marriage will be a place where we individually have to take ourselves to the cross to die to ourselves daily and to live for the benefit of the other person. But it’s there that we’ll find our fulfillment and joy. It’s there on the living room floor, totally spent and empty of self, that Jesus swoops into the room and speaks through my wife’s gentle words into my heart. It’s those resilient tears. That gentle touch. That powerful laugh and smile. It’s giving in to loving without reserve. No reserves. No retreats. No regrets. We’re all in for each other, and it’s the most powerful thing I’ve ever experienced.

Humbled And Grateful,

Justin Meyer

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#TheWedding

Let’s start from the beginning. My best-friend and I have been married for a little over a week now. Today is our 10th day of a covenant relationship that has blessed us and our communities deeply already.

To those of you that came as far as Western Kansas, Nebraska, backwoods Arkansas, and even Florida to spend a few hours on Saturday with us, we want to Thank You. Having all of you there as witnesses to our commitment to one another really blessed the hearts of both of us. It was your presence, personality, and depth with which you invested in your interactions with us that had my bride and I reflecting on how the wedding had “been a dream.” That my bride’s “dream-wedding” occurred and managed to stay mostly within budget leaves me forever thankful to her gracious parents generous investments, my parents support, and everyone that came. (But enough thank you note material, those will be written in due time.)

Allow me to reflect on the day and summon some of those deeper emotions real quick. If that’s not your thing, then feel free to pass on this blog and the next few to come. It’ll be mostly reflection, emotional processing, and a sort of self-awareness tool for me. But if you dig transparency, authenticity, and like to learn from other’s lives, then keep an eye on me over the next few months. I forecast some serious growth.

It’s 5:30PM and my nerves have hit an all-time high. I run to the restroom to take a nervous poop (hey – you’ve been there too) and then make my way downstairs toward the front. As I do, of course I run into people I know. “Ya nervous? How ya feeling?” I barely acknowledge them as I’m 100% inside my own mind at this point and I break free from the crowd and hide myself in a closet next to the stage that controls all the lights. Bryce’s wife had brought McDonald’s Frappe’s for us and I sipped on the sugary, frozen coffee to ensure I had enough blood-sugar to not faint on stage. About as soon as I calmed myself and steeled my nerves, the pastor walks in and prays over me. Then Joseph (my best man) and I take the stage with the pastor. I stand toward the front and look forward. All is silent. The music starts playing and the bridal party starts proceeding forward.

6:05PM – My bride makes her way down the grand staircase. The audience rises. My heart jumps into my throat like an Olympic high-jumper. My heart starts beating fast with adrenaline as everything finally feels real. (Leading up to this moment, I kept speaking of how surreal everything felt. As if it were too good to be true. But now. Now, it was true. It was real. It was happening. There she was. And she was beautiful!)

6:07PM – My bride is toward the front and I meet her father down at the bottom, along with our marrying pastor. The pastor starts saying some things but I’m barely paying attention. I’ve locked eyes with Allie as if we’re seeing each other for the first time. A few tears that refuse to be contained make their way into my eyes and threaten to stream down my cheeks but then I’m back in the spotlight as Robert (Bob) Robitaille, her father, places Allie’s hand into mine and I escort her up on stage with me and the pastor.

I’ll be honest – from that point forward, I barely paid attention to Pastor Tom. Great guy. Great message. It was actually one that in hindsight we will have to get the notes to, as he was talking about getting to build a home together and how much hope, faith, and love we could fill it with if we so choose. He spoke of our ministry being one of reconciliation, which is something I feel God has placed on my heart and burdened it with and something that feels as if it just isn’t going to go anywhere so I might as well make a move with it.

What I do instinctively remember is reading my vows to Allie. I printed them off because I’d tried the whole impromptu words during emotional times thing before (with the proposal) and I’d been nearly mute – speechless in the moment. In fact, as my brother Tyler recalls, the words didn’t actually come until I started praying and dancing with her outside after she said, “Yes!” It hadn’t taken my words to win her over, just the simple action of getting on one knee. That’s all she needed to know my heart was ready. Whoops – I got sidetracked! The proposal was awesome. (Go back and read #TheProposal if you haven’t already.) I promised to always love her and to kiss her good morning and good night. I spoke of hope and of never joking, teasing, or threatening divorce. I threw in a joke about how I’d watch all the Christmas movies she wanted and then I told her that we’d tear down the walls in our hearts that keep us from true intimacy. Most importantly, I promised to always take our burdens to the cross. And friends, I have never prayed more in my life than I have in the first 10 days of our marriage. I need Him. She needs Him. We need Him.

Allie teased that it was hard to follow-up a writer and then proceeded to do so in heart-melting fashion. She roasted me a bit about my sorority girl coffee-order (but we all knew that was coming) and then spoke of how she’d always love me, build me up, and care for me. She has, and she will. I don’t doubt that for a minute.

The pastor wrapped things up and let us kiss each other. A shiny new ring on both of our ring-fingers. Hearts full. Eyes filled with joyful tears. We half-walked, half-sprinted, half-danced (I typically leave the math to her as you can tell) down the aisle and back up the stairs.

The rest of the evening proved to be just as powerful. As friend after friend and family member after family member spoke kindly of both of us as individuals and the hope and power they felt resonated in our marriage. Two conversations I remember in particular was one where a slightly older married couple that I’ve always looked up to mentioned they were super proud of us for including not allowing divorce to be an option in our wedding vows and that we promised not to joke about it. They thought that was a major problem in a lot of relationships. It was empowering to hear those words of affirmation and reassured us that it was a good and necessary move in guarding our words. And the last was a friend and former coworker from my teenage years spoke of how she had been in tears when she told her husband about the hope and Christ-like story of grace and redemption that can be found in our relationship. Which was heartwarming, as it confirmed the prophetic nature of my heart’s desire for us to be a message of reconciliation to others.

The day was so good. And this has already gotten long. So I’ll cut this short and title it, “#TheWedding” or something. There’ll be a post titled “10 Days” to follow, where I chronicle all I’ve learned in just 10 days.

#ManAndWifeMeyersForLife

Sincerely,

The Groom

wedding-day

I Decided

I decided it would be a disservice to my own heart if I didn’t go ahead and write the day before I got married. It’s how I’m wired. It’s how I share with the world. And I firmly believe every story is meant to be told. There’s always something to learn from someone else’s. So here’s mine.

I decided. Life is made up of a series of decisions. Some lead to pain and death and others lead to joy and life. Some seem mundane and others seem exciting. But we’re always making decisions, second-by-second, day-by-day, decision-after-decision. We do not have be the sum of our past mistakes, but who we are today is the sum total of our decisions up to that point in time. I’m in debt because I chose to spend money before I’d acquired or saved it. I’m overweight because I don’t pay enough attention to the caloric intake of my diet or exercise enough. And on the positive spectrum, I’ve got amazing friends because I’ve always invested heavily in those relationships. And I’m about to marry Allie tomorrow because I decided that she was worth the cost of my singleness.

And so I decided to ask her to marry me on October 21st, 2016. After tomorrow, it’ll probably be rated as the second most nerve-wrecking moment of my life. Standing on a stage in front of 200 people and trying to read my vows without crying or cracking a cheesy joke to lighten my inner anxiety while sweating in a tux will quickly take first place. But that moment on October 21st, a little over three months ago, was terrifying. But I’d decided it was worth risking rejection. I’d decided that while singleness and “freedom” had been fun and I’d enjoyed a lot of juvenile liberties, that I was ready to move forward.

Tomorrow, I’ll decide to confirm that reality in my heart. I’ll show up ready to commit the rest of my life to a woman I’ve only known 1 year, 3 months, and so many days. She’s worth it, because Jesus loves me that way – without reserve, without doubt, without ever holding back or retreating. I’ll say, “I do” because I know she’ll do the same. Because I’ve seen her lean into God and into community in my ugliest moments in order to overcome and to forgive. And because she’s awakened my heart to the man I’m meant to be. Because she looks me in the eye in such a way that the part of my heart that constantly seeks others approval is slowing dying, because it can just rest right there, in her gaze. Because I can wholly be myself with her. Quirky jokes, ridiculous humor, high energy, abundant joy, turbulent depression, anxiety, fear, a bleeding heart sometimes, a foggy grey others. She accepts and loves all of me. Not only will she let me walk alongside her with all of my baggage but she helps lighten the load. She picks up one of the bags and says, “Let me have this one. You can’t carry that load by yourself.”

Tomorrow, I’ll decide that no matter what happens from that day forward, I’ll always pursue her heart and always love her. I’ll never give up. In the words of an evangelist from time past, “No reserves. No retreats. No regrets.”

I’m all in. I’ve decided.

With Love & Gratefulness,

Justin Meyer

joy