The 19th Day

Obscure title for an obscure blog-post. Because I don’t really know what I’m going to end up writing here but I’m gonna post it because I can.

It’s the 19th day without social-media and I’m in full-force withdrawal symptoms right now. How am I supposed to distract myself from all of the hard life decisions that Allie and myself are trying to make at the same time? Without social-media and memes and posting requests for prayer or humorous videos – how does one get by in life?

I suppose I could pick up the phone and call a friend. But I’ve already done that a few times and while it’s good, it takes time and emotional energy and I’m already exhausted from the day at hand. But every good thing takes time and energy, doesn’t it? Every relationship must be invested in and pruned – otherwise it becomes entangled in weeds, is not watered properly, and dies.

Financially, we are trying to reduce/eliminate debt – which is noble and just and good. But at what point is some debt worth it? A reliable car that you actually enjoy driving and don’t have to worry about whether or not it will start in the morning is a huge blessing that I don’t take for granted after having driven my grandpa’s old pickup truck for 10 years prior to owning a modern-day Camry. But being $5,000 upside down isn’t exactly ideal and with Allie’s lease being up soon, it’s hard to justify her finding a Craigslist SUV if I’m driving something nicer. But is that nicer vehicle worth it? Because I’m the kind of guy that gets attached to the car he drives and will drive it until it becomes too expensive to maintain. I’m not the trade my car in every couple years kinda person. So…who knows. Who gets to decide that – Allie, myself, someone else? Nah, we’ve gotta come to an agreement, together. And we will. But when you get married, they don’t exactly hand you an owner’s manual on financial negotiations and fiscal responsibility, just as I’m sure Allie wished she received an owner’s manual on a guy’s need for adventure and spontaneity so she’d be prepared for all the wildcard decisions I make from time-to-time. But our differences are what makes us special and often-times, together we are stronger.

It’s just interesting that you grow up and you learn math and science and reading and writing but it seems I learned very little about fiscal responsibility, negotiating/compromising, relational ethics, and problem-solving/decision-making. All of which are necessary attributes of adulthood.

You’re never really prepared for the time that as a 27 year-old man you’ll call your Dad and say, “So what do you do when you don’t know what to do?” And then he won’t really know the answer either. And somehow, you both land on that you should pray some more. But am I a bad Christian if I say that when I pray some more sometimes it doesn’t seem to make all that much difference? And other times, it seems God decides to provide a solution at the very last possible minute, as if to say, “Gotcha! And you spent all that time worrying!”…with a snicker on his face.

I just don’t get it. Life is so complex. Talking with a friend recently, we were discussing balance – the need to balance time building up your skill-sets and time working to provide income and then time needed to invest in relationships like family, friends and a good marriage – and what about the need to invest in rest, for your own physical self and for your personal relationship with God? (I’ve found that doesn’t seem to ever make it into the American equation for success and I believe it’s the missing link toward inner-peace which is why, while I work in retail sales and my income is based solely on commission, I refuse to go in and work every single day of the week like some of my coworkers. That’s just not the life for me.)

Is it better to reduce debt or to build savings? Is it better to get a house now or to rent until a mortgage payment is more reasonable or in enough years, unnecessary?

If my dream is to one day write several published books, then how can one write them if they have so many questions? It appears I know far less than many. I’m told a humble and contrite spirit, ready to listen to and obey God is the place to begin. But what about those days when you wake up and you’ve tried as hard as you can try but it all seems lost? (That’s not to say there’s no light or hope, but there’s just no certainty or vision.)

I think one of the things I value the most about my marriage with Allie is that every night as I’m laying there wrestling with these thoughts and a dozen others, I can always reach over and hold her. She doesn’t care if I wake her up. And if I’m feeling particularly stressed, she’ll ask me what’s up and I’ll explain and she won’t scold me for my disbelief, she’ll pray with me. She’s always right there. Ready to serve. Willing to love.

The truth is I’m a blessed, young man that’s being forced to grow with an expediency like I’ve never experienced before. All comfort-levels broken down, all safety nets cut off, all darkness being exposed to the light, and yet Allie stays with me, Jesus shows His love to me, and peers see potential – they see something, in my eyes, in my actions, in my heart – they see something and they call out what they believe God intends for me and I just find myself spellbound by the unknowns yet amazed that people think I’ll get there. That all my shortcomings can be overcome.

No one’s given up on me yet, so I can’t give up on myself.


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