Depressing title, right? Well, if you’re a regular reader of mine, then I apologize, as this will likely not meet your typical expectations; typically I’m capable of writing something somewhat inspirational and joyful, but I don’t believe that will occur this time. However, if you’d like a window into the current state of my heart and where I’ve been the last week or so, then feel free to continue reading.
Four years ago, I entered into college as a relatively healthy freshmen. Now, I haven’t been “skinny” since I was real little. In fact, I’ve always been considered a “husky” boy. My friends have almost always been more athletic, better looking, etc and all of that’s been just fine and dandy. Of course, I was jealous and envied them from time to time, but that’s beside the point. Since arriving at college, I’ve gained a lot of weight. I was probably 215/220 lbs exiting high-school and at my heaviest, I hit about 270 lbs. Thankfully, I’ve managed to drop to 255 over the last semester or so, but other than that, I haven’t made much progress. Which is SO FRUSTRATING.
Anyone could probably tell you a million reasons why I’ve packed on the pounds. Things such as stress, lack of proper sleep, not eating breakfast, not enough exercise, high-calorie drinks such as soda and sugary coffee drinks like mochas, frappucinos, etc. Not to mention the all-you-can-eat buffet that my Dining Center at school essentially is.
ANYWAYS, let’s get somewhere. If you’re still reading, you obviously care enough to bulldoze through all that boring crap up above, so stick with me another min. or two and I’ll wrap this sucka up!
Here’s the deal…I’m hurting. I look in the mirror and legitimately hate what I see. “Well Justin, that’s a tad dark, don’t ya think?” Well yes, but I didn’t say this would be a pretty, lighthearted post, did I? Thoughts flood my mind often about how I’m a failure, inadequate, not able, unfit for duty, incapable of continuing to overcome. Overall, I’m just SO frustrated with myself. I can still remember one day when an authority figure in my life said, “How’d you let yourself get to this point?” and that question drives me mad. I don’t know. I wish I could reverse time, develop healthier habits in high school, have laid off the soda addiction, etc. But I can’t do that. That’s the past. The present is now. And presently, I’m a mess.
Were you foolish enough to think that I had it all together? No one “has it all together”. We are all in desperate need of Christ and His undeserved grace. We are all unclean until He makes us clean.
So, what’s the purpose of me writing this? Well, there a few. The most selfish one is that I can’t stand letting things bottle up and writing is the easiest way for me to express myself to my peers. Another reason would be that I really want to become a more authentic person. I’m a real guy, with real problems, and it turns out guys have feelings too and if I’m going to share with others my joys and triumphs, then I should also be willing to share my suffering, pain, and hardships.
Your prayers are extremely appreciated. I apologize for my lack of joy and dwindling faith in this moment, but I’m sure the Lord has a purpose and that will be revealed to me when the time is right. Until then, I will continue to learn more about patience, attempt to fully embrace who I am in Christ (what Scripture says about me), and I will seek the Lord for strength and healing. Nothing else works anyways.