I’m very much an external processor and while writing in a journal can be effective at times…others I just need to get my thoughts out on the airwaves. Sometimes that happens via person-to-person conversation, others during phone-calls, etc. However, I find myself in need of expressing some of my inner thoughts/desires online. So, if at this point, you have no interest in my most recent frustrations, trials, etc, then feel free to discontinue reading…With that disclaimer spoken, here goes nothing…
I find my mind consumed with questions, doubts, fears, and all of the like. It’s as if I’m currently in a constant state of questioning…questioning myself, God, the actions of friends & family, etc. Suddenly nothing has any definitive trait to it, other than I’m aware of God’s Word being powerful and useful for teaching, rebuking, etc and I’m very aware that God is real and that prayers can be answered. The past would solidify this belief and it is the past and the transformation that I’ve witnessed within friends who have accepted Christ as their Lord and Savior that keeps me from faltering from this belief. Even though this is true…I still find myself doubting. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?
If you know me, you’ll know that I once possessed (perhaps I still do somewhere) a zeal for the teaching of God’s Word and for the transformation that it can bring to my friend’s lives. But how could a man possible presume the role of teacher or speak in the authority of the Holy Spirit if he, himself, is struggling with doubt and frustration? (I told you I had many questions…haha) So, what is my purpose in my current state of struggle?
Now…my response to this question (and likely your immediate response) should someone else have asked it, would be “Trust God and watch Him transform your heart and beliefs.” But I find myself incapacitated and unable to trust God with EVERYTHING. I trust him with some things but not EVERYTHING. I’ve surrendered some of my heart. But not all of it. I try…but trying isn’t good enough. A friend recently said, “Don’t be captivated by your failures, be captivated by Christ’s victories!” and I gladly support and agree with this statement. However, this is much harder to place into practice than one would think.
I spent a good deal of time praying this evening; asking God to heal me. I know that I’m currently very weak spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically (as I recover from a virus that recently took me out for a while). I hate being down on myself. My thoughts can be so painfully dark sometimes; looking into the mirror and literally hating what I see, examining my heart and realizing how unrelentingly evil it can be. I know that even Paul, Peter, and others in the Bible struggled against the flesh, but why does it have to be so hard? Yes, I’m whining…chastise me for it if you wish, but I figure maybe somebody cares. I asked God to show me that He loves me, to speak to me, to show me His presence, to make Himself ever-present and evident in my life…I have faith that He WILL answer that prayer…and will perhaps have me praying it for a long time until I’ve learned to be patient and wait on His perfect timing.
Let me make something clear before signing off. I love Jesus; truthfully I do with every fiber of my being (not as much as I should, but as much as HUMANLY possible). I believe that He died on the cross for my sins, that he rose from the grave conquering death and henceforth conquering sin. I believe that God has the power to heal, redeem, and graciously provide mercy, love, and much more. After all, I titled this blog “Embracing God’s Grace”, but I find myself in a season where I’m wrestling with this grace. Which makes NO SENSE because I could never earn such a thing as God’s grace. I know that.
Here’s what I don’t believe in: Myself
That’s okay though, I’m not God. But I mean I REALLY don’t believe in myself. My ability to succeed, my ability to find joy, to be loved and to love, to live…O how I desire to be ALIVE.
Well, hopefully you all aren’t scared off and stop reading anything I have to say, but I’ve always been a strong advocate of transparency and strengthening the body of Christ by sharing in one another’s struggles and shortcomings. So here I am; humbled and broken before you. I ask you to pray for me and not to be consumed with worry about me. I’ll be fine because my source of strength is the Lord and my salvation rests in Him. So, Mom if you’re reading this, don’t call in the troops, haha, because I’ve got God and all of His angels working on my heart and protecting me. Just please pray. Feel free to let me know your thoughts…